Most of us know how frustrating it is to share something personal or important—only to be met with advice, correction, or a quick fix. We walk away feeling unheard, even dismissed. Stephen R. Covey challenges this common habit of communication with a transformational principle: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Covey calls this “the key to effective interpersonal communication.” It’s a habit that asks us to diagnose before we prescribe—to take the time to really see, feel, and understand another person’s point of view before offering our own. Yet most of us do the opposite; we listen to respond, not to understand. We’re so busy forming our next sentence that we miss what’s actually being said.
Empathic listening is at the heart of Habit 5. This isn’t about using clever listening tricks or repeating someone’s words back to them. In fact, Covey warns that when people sense you’re using a technique, they’ll feel manipulated, not safe. True empathic listening flows from your character—your sincerity, your care, your desire to genuinely connect. People instinctively know whether they can trust you, and that trust opens the door to real understanding.
Most of our communication training focuses on reading, writing, and speaking. But how often have we been trained to listen—really listen—from another person’s point of view? Covey describes five levels of listening: ignoring, pretending, selective listening, attentive listening, and finally, empathic listening. That last level is rare. Empathic listening means listening not just with your ears, but also with your eyes and your heart. You listen for feeling, not just facts. You tune into emotion, meaning, and even unspoken messages.
It’s not about agreeing—it’s about understanding. Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy might say, “Oh, poor you,” and risk fostering dependence. Empathy says, “I see how you feel. I understand.” That understanding gives people what Covey calls psychological air. Just like we need oxygen to breathe, we need to feel heard and validated in order to thrive in relationships.
When you give someone psychological air, you create a foundation of trust, one that invites collaboration, problem-solving, and influence. You shift from reactive conversations to relationships of deep mutual respect. And importantly, empathic listening gives you accurate data—a true understanding of the person and situation you’re dealing with.
Think of it like a doctor’s visit: Would you trust a prescription from a doctor who barely listened to your symptoms? Of course not. That same principle applies in every area of life—from parenting to partnerships, from boardrooms to friendships.
Empathic listening takes courage. It requires us to slow down, set aside our own agendas, and be fully present. But the payoff is powerful. When others feel truly understood, they are more open to your perspective in return. That’s when the second part of Habit 5 comes in: then to be understood. But first, we must earn the right to speak into someone’s life by listening with our hearts.
As you reflect on this principle, consider this simple challenge: The next time you’re in a conversation that matters, pause your instinct to fix, teach, or reply. Just listen. With your ears. Your eyes. Your heart. Let that person breathe.
Because being understood starts with understanding.
Now we’d love to hear from you:
– Can you think of a time when someone truly listened to you? How did it affect the way you felt—or the outcome of that moment?
– In your relationships, which level of listening do you most often practice?
– What’s one small step you could take this week to practice empathic listening?
Don’t forget to join us on June 23rd as we cover pages 282-292 as we learn how to listen empathically.
